Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
