rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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