Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
