I never want to see another naked old woman again.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
