we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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