Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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