In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm going to jail i love you
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
