When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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