I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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