Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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