Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
