she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
