ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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