You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
