Betty ford says i'm here all night
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
