Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
