my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
