tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
