I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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