I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
