whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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