i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
