How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
