You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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