Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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