do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
