The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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