i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
