Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
