Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
