Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
