I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
