i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Randomize
