Where did you get a picture of my penis
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
