I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize