I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We had to coat check the pizza.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
