i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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