After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
