2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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