I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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