Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
