Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
