After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
