Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
