Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
