I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize