Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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