He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize