Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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