Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
