Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize