He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
