I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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