I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
