I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
