Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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