aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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