so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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