Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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