i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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