i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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