either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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